Defence mode Vs Understanding mode

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By Warren Steinberg and Duncan Anderson. To see all blogs click here.

Reading time: 4 mins

One Sentence Summary: One key way to see our blind spots and ego distortions is to listen to others who point them out (Understanding mode), we can’t see them if we 1.don’t listen and 2. try to justify our view (Defence mode).


Defence mode

  • If someone has a different view to you it can be tempting to tell them why you have your point of view effectively going into ‘Defence mode’. 

  • How things might play out: 

    • You: here is a product / idea I’ve been working on

    • Other: that part is interesting, but I think I’d consider doing it differently

    • You: let me explain why I did that

  • Outcome: 

    • 1. 1. You aren’t really listening to the other (who might have something very valuable to contribute)., who might have something very valuable to contribute

    • 2. The other doesn’t feel like you have listened to them. 

    • 3. You have missed a chance to make a potential upgrade. 


Understanding mode

  • How things might play out: 

    • You: here is a product /  idea I’ve been working on

    • Other: that part is interesting, but I think I’d consider doing it differently

    • You: let me see if I understand you correctly, do you have View A because of Point X? 

    • Other: yes

    • You: very interesting, I hadn’t properly considered Point X. I think it’s also worth considering Point Y. What do you think of Point Y? 

    • Other: very interesting, I like Point Y. 

    • You: I think if we try and balance Point X and Point Y that View B might be the best solution, thoughts? 

    • Other: this sounds eminently reasonable to me. 

  • Outcome

    • 1. You are proactively listening and rearticulate to confirm you have understood their point. 

    • 2. The other feels like you have listened. 

    • 3. You have capitalised on an upgrade opportunity have capitalised on and upgrade opportunity and make an update to your product / idea for consideration. 

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We are not at war with our customers… we are trying to help them! 

  • We are not at war with our customers, we are trying to understand them. We are trying to help them. 

  • We are not trying to win an argument in an internal meeting, we are trying to improve a product. 

  • It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s trying to level up your understanding. 

  • It’s not whether the feedback is right or wrong, it’s what can be learned from it. This is high level strategic thinking. 

  • You don’t learn anything from people who agree with you. So if you don’t spend time trying to understand others point of view how can you improve yours? 

  • Defence mode = no new learnings

  • Defence mode = other doesn’t feel listened to and damage to relationship

  • Understanding mode = relationship building mode

  • Understanding mode = new learnings/upgrade opportunity

  • Understanding mode = positive sum

  • Understanding mode = other wants to help you more


Abstracted ‘Defence mode’ vs ‘Understanding mode’

  • Defence mode = trying to justify decisions to others

  • Understanding mode funnel = 

    • 1. Confirming understanding of what other by eg rearticulating their point (FYI I’ve found rearticulation is a seriously powerful skill to cultivate) 

    • + 2. Integrate any new learning into your model for explaining the problem space 

    • + 3. Update synthesis on your idea / product as required 

    • + 4. Put forward V2 for another round of ‘feedback to check for’ 1. does the other understand and  2.can they help you find other blind spots and ego distortions.

    • + 5. Continue to foster relationships for future support and feedback. 

  • Make sure your Understanding mode funnel is open!

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Defence mode… undefendable

  • I honestly don’t know when it makes sense to do defence mode unless you are a lawyer.

  • Very bad: Defence mode

  • Bad: Understand mode, then Defence mode

  • What I think makes sense:

    • 1st: Understand mode

    • 2nd: if you have a different view, put forward your view in a manner for consideration. No defence mode.

If you only take away one thing

  • “The good learn from everything and everyone, the average only from themselves and the stupid already know everything.” Socrates. 

  • Getting good at learning from others is a key way to help  others. 

  • Getting good at Understanding mode is a key way to help  others. 

  • Getting good at learning from others is a key way to improve  yourself. 

  • Getting good at Understanding mode is a key way to improve  yourself.